"fragile life, take up space"
"fragile life, take up space" Project
...an exploration of what it feels like to be emotionally abused and to live in the aftermath of escaping an abuser's power...
The images within the collection shown on this page are representative of an era in which I was living through trauma. As a composite timeline, the art conveys what I faced in 2019 through 2021 as I sifted through the repercussions of abuse. The imagery depicts how it feels to witness one’s hero become grievously villainous, how forging a way forward after so much psychological manipulation can seem insurmountable. It’s a collection about loss and the hurt that comes when you awaken to the fact that you trusted the wrong people. Experiencing trauma impacted my perception of time, altered my understanding of my identity, and changed the ways in which I live within my body. Nonetheless, it was in the waves of this disorientation and disembodiment that I found that choosing to continue life meant choosing to paint.
Inextricably woven into these paintings is the concept of how the body remembers trauma. Also joining the pieces is the sonic landscape of Taylor Swift. Each work is dually inspired by my own experience and by Taylor’s music, especially her folklore and evermore albums. Every piece is assigned/titled with a Taylor lyric.
These images are bleak and sometimes discomforting, but as Taylor sings on the first track of folklore, “if you never bleed, you’re never gonna’ grow.” Through these paintings, I do believe that I have grown… and in sharing my art — in taking up space—I’m aligning myself with what it means to heal
 1. The Lighthouse |  2. Such a Shame She Went Mad |  3. Cyclical Levitations |
|---|---|---|
 4. Cleaning off the Promises |  5. What was Climbed Over |  6. A Higher Idyl Lost |
 7. A Dwindling, Mercurial High |  9. You Weren't Mine to Lose |  10. Justice for Inez |
 11. In the Middle of a Nightmare |  12. Told Me All of My Cages Were Mental. |  13. And Now I'm Covered In You |
 14. I Can Go Anywhere I Want, Just Not Home |  15. A Pawn in a Twisted System |  16. After Their Broken Bread |
 17. Mercury and Argus |  18. You Forget that You'll Be Missed |  19. Break Free |
 20. Get That Light Back In Your Eyes, Kid |  1219201712 |  1219201519 |
 Detail from Such a Shame She Went Mad |  1219201550c |  Detail from In the Middle of a Nightmare |
 Detail from the lighthouse |  Detail from Such a Shame She Went Mad (2 |  Detail from Cyclical Levitations |
 1219201529_HDR |  1219201529 |
1. The Lighthouse
Oil Paint on Canvas
16" x 20"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "I can change everything about myself to fit in."
("mirrorball")
Lighthouses are lonely. They push away that which comes to them. A gaslighter easily makes a person feel as though everything that they are will be unpalatable for others--that they push away others and have no chance of being liked WITHOUT the influence of the gaslighter.
2. Such a Shame She Went Mad
Acrylic Paint on Canvas
18" x 24"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "And there's nothing like a mad woman
What a shame she went mad/
No one likes a mad woman/
You made her like that"
("mad woman")
3. Cyclical Levitations
Acrylic Paint on Canvas
18" x 24"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "Second, third, and hundredth chances/
balancin' on breaking branches" ("exile")
When you find yourself continually apologizing to someone; when you find yourself hearing, 'love doesn't always feel good' over and over; or you hear that "things will be better" continually in a cycle, feelings of distrust will billow in your heart. Free yourself before losing the ability to trust. Promises that 'you are loved' that ONLY come after experiences of being hurt, become manipulative over time.
4. Cleaning Off Promises
Oil Paint on Canvas
18" x 24"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "Marked me like a bloodstain"
("cardigan")
5. What Was Climbed Over
Oil Paint on Canvas
18" x 24"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "I'm taking my time, taking my time/
'Cause you took everything from me/
Watching you climb, watching you climb/
Over people like me" ("mad woman")
A devastating part of adulthood is learning that someone who you trust with your entire soul could use you for their own greed in a professional/career context. Being docile can sometimes allow people to walk over you. While I will always pride myself on my gentleness, I will now forever be wary of how someone might capitalize off of that and grow in their own career. The people who are saints, heroes, protectors, etc. might be the very ones who toss you aside and leave you to be forgotten.
6. An Idyll Lost
Oil Paint on Canvas
12" x 16"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "My barren land, I am ash from your fire" ("hoax")
A devastating part of adulthood is learning that someone who you trust with your entire soul could use you for their own greed in a professional/career context. Being docile can sometimes allow people to walk over you. While I will always pride myself on my gentleness, I will now forever be wary of how someone might capitalize off of that and grow in their own career. The people who are saints, heroes, protectors, etc. might be the very ones who toss you aside and leave you to be forgotten.
7. A Dwindling Mercurial High
Oil Paint on Canvas
11" x 14"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "Take the words for what they are/
a dwindling, mercurial high" ("illicit affairs")
8. The Hero Fell
Oil Paint on Canvas
18" x 24"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "You knew the hero died, so what's the movie for?" ("hoax")
When your hero hurts you, it is a pain that hurts worse than death.
9. Stolen Lullabies Were/Weren't Mine to Lose
Oil Paint on Canvas
16" x 20"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "'Cause you weren't mine to lose" ("august")
I was in a situation where I lost 90% of all the writings, poems, reflections, and art that I created over a two and a half year period. Poems that I watched people with lower literacy skills write were lost too. The erasure of their words will anger me continuously.
Not that the situation prompts any parallel whatsoever, but it's comforting (probably only to me) to draw a correlation here to Taylor Swift's legal battle with attaining the rights to her masters--the first six albums. Not having the rights to your creative output or personal archive is really dehumanizing.
10. #JusticeForInez , #BelieveWhatSheSays
Oil Paint on Canvas
Diptych: 16" x 24" (Canvas paper (left), Canvas panel (right))
Taylor Swift Lyric: "'You heard the rumors from Inez, you can't believe a word she says" ("betty")
Inez told the truth. It was a truth that nobody wanted to see or hear. It was a truth that crumbled Betty's beautiful perception. However, people who tell the truth that people don't want to see or hear need to stop being vilified.
Inez spilt the tea, sis.
11. In the Middle of a Nightmare
Oil Paint on Canvas
16" x 20"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "You knew it still hurts underneath my scars
from when they pulled me apart,
but what you did was just as dark" ("hoax")
12. Told Me All of My Cages Were Mental
Colored Pencils on Bristol Paper
11" x 17"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "Told me all of my cages were mental/
I got wasted like all my potential"
("this is me trying")
Note: This piece is a bit different. I did the portrait of Jules from 'Euphoria' with color pencils then imposed a birdcage vector on top of that with an open source photo editor. The birdcage vector is not hand-drawn by me.
13. And Now I'm Covered in You
Oil Paint on Canvas
16" x 20"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "Now you hang from my lips, like the Gardens of Babylon")
Some pains can overtake your body and heart.
14. I Can Go Anywhere I Want, Anywhere I Want, Just Not Home
Oil Paint on Canvas with Acrylic Finishing
16" x 20"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "And I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want, just not home"
("my tears ricochet")
I put my soul into making people feel safe and at home. Then a false hero took that home away.
15. A Pawn in a Twisted System
Oil Paint on Canvas
24" x 30"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "What should be over
burrows under my skin/
in heart-stopping waves
of hurt"
("the lakes")
A hero who I trusted with my future broke me. He stabbed me in the back. I was never meant to grow under the 'saintly' wing that I was placed under. I was on borrowed time.
16. After Their Broken Bread
Acrylic Paint on Canvas
30" x 40"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt?"
("happiness")
A hero who I trusted with my future broke me. He stabbed me in the back. I was never meant to grow under the 'saintly' wing that I was placed under. I was on borrowed time.
17. Mercury and Argus
Oil Paint on Canvas
30" x 40"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "And if I’m on fire, you’ll be made of ashes, too. Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me?"
("my tears ricochet")
-and-
“I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace/ now you’re the hero flying around, saving face”
--and--
“I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace, ‘cause when I’d fight, you used to tell me I was brave”
("my tears ricochet")
The inspiration for this painting came after seeing the "Argus endormi par Mercure" (1864) painting by Ernest Michel. I looked up other examples of paintings about the Mercury/Argus story and Argus is always depicted as an older man. ALWAYS. The contrast between young Mercury and old Argus invites conversations about generational conflict. An older man who I had placed so much trust in really hurt me in a lot of ways, so processing all of that pain through the Mercury/Argus imagery was helpful for me. The arrow in the back is intended to convey a sign of being betrayed/ being 'back-stabbed.'
The body for the Argus monster that I used as a reference came from the "Argus endormi par Mercure (1864)" piece I mentioned above. By studying that painting, I recreated my own version.
18. You Forget that You'll Be Missed
Acrylic Paint on Canvas with Acrylic Finishing
18" x 24"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "Could've followed my fears all the way down"
("this is me trying")
One sleepless night a few months ago, I was consumed with grief over my dog Addy’s death and I was also berating myself for the millionth time for trusting the wrong person with my career--for believing in the wrong people. I hadn’t been able to paint since Addy’s death and subsequent events of the summer left me so untrusting and betrayed. The smart part of my brain told me to run and get my mom from her bedroom where she was sleeping so that she could talk with me that night, but the more melancholy part of my brain entertained bleaker thoughts. That’s why I was shocked when the inspiration to create—the impulse to convey what I went through-- was what came to me and offered me solace that night. So I listened; I painted.
I struggled with whether or not to put this piece online, but refraining from doing so feels a bit disingenuous. Conversations about suicide need to be held. At the time of me writing this, my closest friends are all still grieving over the death of our dear friend Kayley in 2019, so I’ve feared that showing this image might be harmful for them. However, I think it needs to be said that even though I know how much it hurts to lose someone to suicide, traumatic circumstances can still generate suicidal ideation in me. Despite knowing all too well the horror of losing someone this way, I had to fight off thoughts that I could get relief through this path. Ideas like, ‘I have no purpose; the world would be better off without me; I’m worthless; I’ve failed; etc.” were so loud.
However, gradually emerging from those horrid thoughts were the realizations that actually, in fact, I would be missed. I thought of the image of my little dog Maybrie seeing me ‘gone’ and my whole world started spinning in what seemed like a different direction. It was an image that interrupted everything and I’m so glad that it did. I thought about my mom, my sister, my family, my friends. I was so fortunate.
My wish is that everyone on this earth could at least have that. Whether or not a realization such as that could sway a person away from suicidal ideation, I wish that every single person on this earth could know that they are, at least, loved.
With all of this explained, I want to mention that there are helpful resources for anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
There’s a phone line too: 1-800-273-8255
19. Break Free
Oil Paint on Canvas
24" x 36"
Taylor Swift Lyric:
"what if I break free and leave us in ruins?
take this dagger in me and remove it?
believe me, I could do it."
”
("tolerate it")
Break free of the roles you are forced into; never be the "mini" version of someone--even if they seem Great, or even saintly at first. You are youR Own beaUtiful creatioN, a profounD masterpiece. People who project themselves as saints often aren’t, but never hate yourself for opening up to them, believing in their ‘saintly’ performance, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to them. They may have harmed you in your state of vulnerability, but part of breaking free means that you have to not hate yourself for trusting the wrong person. In one of her “Clean” concert speeches, Taylor Swift says to never regret opening yourself up to someone who has hurt you and other people. That is a regret that should not be carried.
Break FREE.
And yes, I'm wearing my Taylor Swift cardigan, of course :)
20. Get that Light Back in Your Eyes, Kid
Oil Paint and Fabric on Canvas
16" x 24"
Taylor Swift Lyric: "I replay my footsteps on each stepping stone, trying to find the one where I went wrong. Writing letters, addressed to the fire."
("evermore")
Light can be found again